03 março 2014

Here I lay.

All the tempest is gone. All the suffer, all the sadness, all the prison. Instead of this, stays the fear of the unknown. Fear of the future ahead and all the things that will come without asking permission. The doubt, the uncertain. Nothing in this life seems so awkward. So strange and bizzare. Be an adult defines you as a no feelings person, or at least, someone that cares and feels so damn carefully that almost can't feel a thing. In the deep side of your heart you know that it's hard. Criticism. You can't choose your own path, and if you do this, people laugh, take you as the biggest joke ever. Just because you took the risk of follow your heart. Unfortunatelly when you grow all the options of subjetcs you can work with is reduced to just a few as: sex, work, study, money, sex, a boyfriend/girlfriend, children, marriage, sex. And so on. Not because there's a lot, but all those repeat itself everytime. 
Now, here I am. Laying in my bed thinking about how my life can be good and bad at the same time. Everything is happing for me. And thank God for that. But make important decisions in your life are so fucking strange. Two years ago I was just a girl with a dream: attend to a good public college. Here I am. In the "good public college". I'm following the path I picked up two years ago. However, see myself alone taking decisions, meeting new people, changing my views is making me feel small, small comparing to the whole world I'm in now. 
I feel I need to take care with every single person I met. I feel that I can't like someone faster than know her/him for real.
I can't give too much of myself. I've to observe. Feel the sand on my feet, see where I'm stepping.
In this brand new year I want to be myself more than anything and anyone else. I want people who likes me for who I am. And people that hates me for the same reason. I don't want to pretend. I don't want to fake smiles, hugs, sympathy. I want to be angry and yell with who and what I want. Because life is it. Life is what you make your life be. I almost don't cry anymore. I'm becoming a goddamn stone that can keep the most fragile feelings inside. I don't like to be like this. But it's life. All the things that are happening are helping this. Come on. I'm almost 21 and I feel like a child. Grow up Barbara. Just grow. Because out there isn't easy to live. Isn't easy to survive. It's literally a jungle. You eat or people eats you instead. As everybody says: "Nobody is virgin, life fucks everyone." This is true, my friend. Accept it. 
Now I'm opening my chest to brand new things, people, experiences. I'm re-building my inner self. My values, my beliefs, my thoughts. Because this is what I need. Put one brik at time and move on. This is, without a doubt, the best thing I can do for me, even when I'm still laying here.